THE SKINHEAD HAMLET
Shakespeare's play translated into modern English as published in
the TOIKE OIKE, the art and literary newspaper of the University of
Toronto Engineering Society. [w/apologies to the Bard :-) ]
by Richard Curtis
ACT I SCENE I
(The battlements of Elsinore Castle)
(Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.)
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(Exit GHOST)
HAMLET: O fuck.
(Exit HAMLET.)
ACT I SCENE II
(The Throneroom.)
(Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.)
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.)
HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO)
HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha cock!
HAMLET: Weeeeey!
(Exeunt)
ACT I SCENE III
(Ophelia's Bedroom.)
(Enter Ophelia and Laertes.)
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you
one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt.)
ACT I SCENE IV
(The Battlements.)
(Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.)
GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my
fucking ear!
HAMLET: Fuck me!
(Exeunt.)
ACT II SCENE 1
(A corridor in the castle.)
(Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS)
POLON: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLON. Enter ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.)
RO & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS and GUILD.)
HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.
OPHELIA: My Lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(They exit in different directions.)
ACT III SCENE I
(The Throne Room)
(Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.)
PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart...
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap.
(Exeunt)
ACT III SCENE II
(Gertrude's Bedchamber.)
(Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.)
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLON: (From behind the curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.)
POLON: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker.
(Exeunt.)
ACT IV SCENE 1
(A Court Room)
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
SCENE II
(The Throne Room.)
(OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.)
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE (looking out the window) There is a willow grows
aslant the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE III
(A Corridor)
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(enter CLAUDIUS.)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker, Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
ACT V SCENE 1
(Hamlet's Bedchamber.)
(HAMLET and HORATIO seated.)
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and
you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck.
(Exeunt.)
SCENE II
(Large Hall.)
(Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS.)
LAERTES: Oi, wanker. Let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The QUEEN drinks.)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat) Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush. No hard feelings, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies)
HORATIO: Fuck! That was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(enter FORTINBRAS.)
FORTIN: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure.
FORTIN: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTIN: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fucking right.
FORTIN: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums.)
(END)
http://web.mit.edu/johanna/Public/skinhead.hamlet